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| Conflict Tool #6: Be Open-Minded and Inquisitive when calmer and aggressively explore new options |
You've used Tools #1 through #5. You are both in a relatively calm state and you both
feel your concerns have been expressed and heard. Now is the time to begin negotiating
a mutually acceptable solution.
In my mediations, I emphasize the importance of having an open mind to alternative
solutions. Our tendency in conflict is to fixate on one solution to the problem, when in fact
there are almost always other approaches that can meet many of our needs if we were
open to considering new ideas.
During one of my mediations in which the clients appeared to be deadlocked, one party
raised an idea which to me showed some potential of addressing some of the other’s
concerns. The other party however was immediately vehement in her objection. “That’s
not at all what I want!” she exclaimed. I called a caucus (a private meeting) and she
immediately yelled at me that I was “full of it” for even suggesting that this idea was worth
pursuing. I calmly reminded her that she had absolutely nothing to lose by considering
this line of thinking, and in fact was sabotaging her own negotiations by reacting so
strongly and refusing to entertain an idea that showed some potential to address some of
her concerns. She calmed down and agreed to listen. To our collective astonishment, the
parties massaged the concept and had a tentative agreement within a half hour. They
thought I was a genius. While it appeared from my objective position to have some
potential, none of us could predict whether it would prove to be a useful idea. Creating an
environment in which new ideas would be heard and considered was the key to finding
and reaching a settlement when both parties were convinced they were headed to court.
It may feel like you are lowering your defenses and appearing weak when you consider a
solution other than the one you have been fighting so hard for, especially when that idea
comes from your opponent. But in fact, it has precisely the opposite affect. A willingness
to consider other solutions (as is the willingness to listen) is extraordinarily powerful. It
opens up communication, facilitates problem-solving, creates trust and generates new
and creative options. You can always advocate for your original position if nothing else
surfaces. You’ve lost nothing, but at a minimum will gain new ideas, insights and
credibility, simply by considering alternative solutions with an open mind.
But I’m not just recommending you be receptive to other approaches. I’m recommending
you actively and aggressively pursue them, no matter how convinced you are that you
already have the only acceptable solution. One way to do this is to come to a thorough
understanding of the other’s interests, or why their particular solution is so important to
them. This is where you should become inquisitive. I ask a lot of “why” questions in
mediation, and in conflict. Incidentally, be cautious here. Your “why” questions should
have no agenda other than an understanding of the other. If you are using your questions
to twist their meanings or make your own points, you will sabotage your negotiations. Your
purpose by being inquisitive is only to understand their interests better. The better you
understand the interests of the other, the better position you’ll be in to generate a
concept with the potential of satisfying you both.
feel your concerns have been expressed and heard. Now is the time to begin negotiating
a mutually acceptable solution.
In my mediations, I emphasize the importance of having an open mind to alternative
solutions. Our tendency in conflict is to fixate on one solution to the problem, when in fact
there are almost always other approaches that can meet many of our needs if we were
open to considering new ideas.
During one of my mediations in which the clients appeared to be deadlocked, one party
raised an idea which to me showed some potential of addressing some of the other’s
concerns. The other party however was immediately vehement in her objection. “That’s
not at all what I want!” she exclaimed. I called a caucus (a private meeting) and she
immediately yelled at me that I was “full of it” for even suggesting that this idea was worth
pursuing. I calmly reminded her that she had absolutely nothing to lose by considering
this line of thinking, and in fact was sabotaging her own negotiations by reacting so
strongly and refusing to entertain an idea that showed some potential to address some of
her concerns. She calmed down and agreed to listen. To our collective astonishment, the
parties massaged the concept and had a tentative agreement within a half hour. They
thought I was a genius. While it appeared from my objective position to have some
potential, none of us could predict whether it would prove to be a useful idea. Creating an
environment in which new ideas would be heard and considered was the key to finding
and reaching a settlement when both parties were convinced they were headed to court.
It may feel like you are lowering your defenses and appearing weak when you consider a
solution other than the one you have been fighting so hard for, especially when that idea
comes from your opponent. But in fact, it has precisely the opposite affect. A willingness
to consider other solutions (as is the willingness to listen) is extraordinarily powerful. It
opens up communication, facilitates problem-solving, creates trust and generates new
and creative options. You can always advocate for your original position if nothing else
surfaces. You’ve lost nothing, but at a minimum will gain new ideas, insights and
credibility, simply by considering alternative solutions with an open mind.
But I’m not just recommending you be receptive to other approaches. I’m recommending
you actively and aggressively pursue them, no matter how convinced you are that you
already have the only acceptable solution. One way to do this is to come to a thorough
understanding of the other’s interests, or why their particular solution is so important to
them. This is where you should become inquisitive. I ask a lot of “why” questions in
mediation, and in conflict. Incidentally, be cautious here. Your “why” questions should
have no agenda other than an understanding of the other. If you are using your questions
to twist their meanings or make your own points, you will sabotage your negotiations. Your
purpose by being inquisitive is only to understand their interests better. The better you
understand the interests of the other, the better position you’ll be in to generate a
concept with the potential of satisfying you both.
| ““Conflicts allow us to air important issues; they produce new and creative ideas; they release built up tension. Handled properly, conflicts can strengthen relationships.” - “Working through Conflict” by authors Folger, Poole & Stutman" |
| Exercise Think of a position you took in a recent conflict. What were your interests behind the position you proposed (you should be able to come up with a short list)? Now consider the position of the other party. What were their interests? Do you feel they would agree with your list? Would they feel it is complete? |
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| Richard Trimble, PE WMA Certified Mediator IAF Certified Facilitator Seattle, Washington 206-403-8202 |