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| Conflict Tool #5: Be Specific and Brief when the conversation is tense |
Listening is a tremendous tool that educates and defuses emotion often depositing you
back into a simple conversation before you even had to say very much. In that case, I
refer you to Tool #6 and encourage you to be open-minded and inquisitive as you jointly
pursue solutions. On the other hand, if the atmosphere is still tense and you need to
express yourself, I highly recommend you be very brief and focus only on the specific
issue at hand.
Brief
It is our tendency in tense conversations to interrupt and generally compete with the other
for “airtime”. This behavior almost always causes more harm than good. If you can't
control this in the moment because you are emotional and your heart rate is elevated,
take a break and calm down (Tool #1)! I recommend that not only do you share the
airtime, but that you actually give the other more of it than you get. This gives you more
opportunity to listen (using Tool #3 & Tool #4). This forces you to choose your words
carefully and to be brief. The shorter your message, the more impact it will have.
Conversely, the longer your message, the more likely the other is miss the point, tune out
and shut down. Remember, they are probably emotional and elevated as well, which
means their ability to problem solve and focus is impaired making it all the more difficult
for them to process a long message. Keep your statement brief when the atmosphere is
tense.
Specific
Another tendency we have when we are tense is to generalize the problem. For example,
instead of focusing on how their being late to the appointment today caused us difficulty,
we'll to accuse them of always being late. It is far easier to have a productive discussion
about their being late today than it is about how they are always late. In tense
conversations, you'll be far more effective if you speak only to the specific issue at hand,
directly but briefly, then immediately fall back to listening.
There are a number of experts who offer simply formulas for asserting yourself effectively
in conflict discussions. Neil Katz & John Lawyer in their book “Communication and Conflict
Resolution Skills” offer the following:
When you [A] I feel [B] Because [C]
[A] is a concrete description of others behavior.
[B] is an appropriate, accurate disclosure of your feeling about the other's behavior.
[C] is a description of the concrete and tangible effect of that behavior on you.
For example: “When you are late to the staff meeting, I feel frustrated because our time
has been wasted.”
Similarly, Robert Bolton in his book “People Skills” recommends a statement with the
formula: Behavior + Feeling + Effect. He explains,
“Effective assertion is characterized by firmness without domination. It vigorously defends
one's own space while steadfastly refusing to violate the trespasser's turf. That is why the
three-part message contains no solution. It is up to the other person to figure out how
he/she can best evacuate my space. The recipient of these messages can usually come
up with a resolution of the problem that preserves his/her self-respect and meets my
needs.”
Avoid solutions when tense
You may note that this discussion focuses on the problem, not the solution. I generally do
not recommend discussing solutions when the atmosphere is tense. When people are
emotional and their heart rates are elevated, they are simply not as effective at solving
problems. Taking a break, listening, and being brief and focusing on the specific issue
should reduce the tension enough to begin effective problem solving, Tool #6.
back into a simple conversation before you even had to say very much. In that case, I
refer you to Tool #6 and encourage you to be open-minded and inquisitive as you jointly
pursue solutions. On the other hand, if the atmosphere is still tense and you need to
express yourself, I highly recommend you be very brief and focus only on the specific
issue at hand.
Brief
It is our tendency in tense conversations to interrupt and generally compete with the other
for “airtime”. This behavior almost always causes more harm than good. If you can't
control this in the moment because you are emotional and your heart rate is elevated,
take a break and calm down (Tool #1)! I recommend that not only do you share the
airtime, but that you actually give the other more of it than you get. This gives you more
opportunity to listen (using Tool #3 & Tool #4). This forces you to choose your words
carefully and to be brief. The shorter your message, the more impact it will have.
Conversely, the longer your message, the more likely the other is miss the point, tune out
and shut down. Remember, they are probably emotional and elevated as well, which
means their ability to problem solve and focus is impaired making it all the more difficult
for them to process a long message. Keep your statement brief when the atmosphere is
tense.
Specific
Another tendency we have when we are tense is to generalize the problem. For example,
instead of focusing on how their being late to the appointment today caused us difficulty,
we'll to accuse them of always being late. It is far easier to have a productive discussion
about their being late today than it is about how they are always late. In tense
conversations, you'll be far more effective if you speak only to the specific issue at hand,
directly but briefly, then immediately fall back to listening.
There are a number of experts who offer simply formulas for asserting yourself effectively
in conflict discussions. Neil Katz & John Lawyer in their book “Communication and Conflict
Resolution Skills” offer the following:
When you [A] I feel [B] Because [C]
[A] is a concrete description of others behavior.
[B] is an appropriate, accurate disclosure of your feeling about the other's behavior.
[C] is a description of the concrete and tangible effect of that behavior on you.
For example: “When you are late to the staff meeting, I feel frustrated because our time
has been wasted.”
Similarly, Robert Bolton in his book “People Skills” recommends a statement with the
formula: Behavior + Feeling + Effect. He explains,
“Effective assertion is characterized by firmness without domination. It vigorously defends
one's own space while steadfastly refusing to violate the trespasser's turf. That is why the
three-part message contains no solution. It is up to the other person to figure out how
he/she can best evacuate my space. The recipient of these messages can usually come
up with a resolution of the problem that preserves his/her self-respect and meets my
needs.”
Avoid solutions when tense
You may note that this discussion focuses on the problem, not the solution. I generally do
not recommend discussing solutions when the atmosphere is tense. When people are
emotional and their heart rates are elevated, they are simply not as effective at solving
problems. Taking a break, listening, and being brief and focusing on the specific issue
should reduce the tension enough to begin effective problem solving, Tool #6.
| “Assertion invites you to be present for yourself and to help you deal with your strong emotion. Assertion is essentially expressing yourself to stand up for your own human rights without infringing on the human rights of others.” - Neil Katz & John Lawyer in "Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills" |
| Exercise Think of a recent tense conflict. What would you have said if you were focused on being brief and specific. Would that have been more productive than what you actually said? |
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| Richard Trimble, PE WMA Certified Mediator IAF Certified Facilitator Seattle, Washington 206-403-8202 |