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| Conflict Tool #3: Actively listen through focusing, paraphrasing and summarizing thoughts and feelings. |
In this section, I want to first convince you of the importance of listening, and then give
you some techniques to help you be a more effective listener.
I believe “listening” is the single most important tip I can give you for resolving conflict. It
sounds simple and obvious, and you’ll be tempted to discount or underestimate it, but it is
the single most powerful tool in your arsenal.
As I scanned my library on this topic, all my conflict resolution references have something,
and usually quite a lot, to say about the importance of listening. In fact, my fundamental
job as a mediator is to help both sides learn to listen to each other because if they can do
this, they’ll most likely negotiate through their differences and settle.
Unfortunately in the stress of conflict, we are truly lousy listeners because we are so
focused on achieving our own goal. Even if we are disciplined enough not to interrupt and
try to dominate the conversation, we are often rehearsing in our heads what we’re going
to say next while the other is talking. The problem is, if we aren’t really listening, we aren’t
communicating. If we aren’t communicating, we won’t resolve our conflict. Period.
Think about the last time you were in a noteworthy dispute with someone. Think about
how you felt. Think about how the conversation went. What was important to you in that
conversation? Most people will respond that they wanted to be heard and understood,
perhaps more than even reaching a resolution of the conflict.
Listening offers tremendous advantages:
Tips to help you focus on listening
Hopefully I have convinced you of the value of listening. Here are some tips I’ll throw out
that might help you focus on listening during a tense conversation:
Tips to help you be an effective listener
While these tips can help keep you focused on listening, it is important do so effectively.
Bolton says, “A teenager put it this way: “My friends listen to what I say, but my parents
only hear me talk.” Here are some techniques you can use to make sure you are truly
listening (see also Bolton “People Skills” and Katz & Lawyer “Communication and Conflict
Resolution Skills"):
In summary, listening is your most powerful tool. During tense conversations, strive to
listen first and listen attentively.
you some techniques to help you be a more effective listener.
I believe “listening” is the single most important tip I can give you for resolving conflict. It
sounds simple and obvious, and you’ll be tempted to discount or underestimate it, but it is
the single most powerful tool in your arsenal.
As I scanned my library on this topic, all my conflict resolution references have something,
and usually quite a lot, to say about the importance of listening. In fact, my fundamental
job as a mediator is to help both sides learn to listen to each other because if they can do
this, they’ll most likely negotiate through their differences and settle.
Unfortunately in the stress of conflict, we are truly lousy listeners because we are so
focused on achieving our own goal. Even if we are disciplined enough not to interrupt and
try to dominate the conversation, we are often rehearsing in our heads what we’re going
to say next while the other is talking. The problem is, if we aren’t really listening, we aren’t
communicating. If we aren’t communicating, we won’t resolve our conflict. Period.
Think about the last time you were in a noteworthy dispute with someone. Think about
how you felt. Think about how the conversation went. What was important to you in that
conversation? Most people will respond that they wanted to be heard and understood,
perhaps more than even reaching a resolution of the conflict.
Listening offers tremendous advantages:
- It has a calming effect on the discussion
- It tends to make the other more apt to listen to you
- You collect valuable information about what’s important to the other and how they’
re thinking about it - Listening buys you time to calm down (you won’t say something you’ll regret while
you are listening). - Listening makes you more persuasive
Tips to help you focus on listening
Hopefully I have convinced you of the value of listening. Here are some tips I’ll throw out
that might help you focus on listening during a tense conversation:
- Ask to take turns: Tell the other person you want to be sure you understand their
position completely so you’re going to listen first and ask them to give you the same
opportunity after they have fully explained their concerns. I like this because it
commits you to listening and it commits them to doing the same. - Grab your “listening stick”: The “talking stick” was used in Native North American
tribes at council meetings as a reminder not to interrupt when that person was
speaking (Wikipedia). I have found it helpful when I anticipate a tense discussion to
have an object I can hold on to as a private reminder to shut up and listen. No one
else knows the significance of the item, but it’s a solid tactile reminder to me to
control my urge to interrupt and argue. - “Class, there’s going to be a test on this material…”: Remember back in school
when this phrase suddenly made us shut up and pay attention to the teacher?
Everyone suddenly listened attentively and saved their questions for later because
this was valuable material. Try to adopt the same mindset. This person is giving you
valuable information you need to achieve your goals. Listen attentively because
there will be a test later! - Take notes: I mention this with some caution. Taking notes allows you to keep
track of things the person says that you want to clarify later. It can be particularly
valuable if they are covering a number of subjects and you want to make sure you
can follow them. The caution is that it can appear as though you are not paying
attention or simply taking notes for the purpose of refuting these points later in
argument. If you do this, tell the other person that you want to take notes to better
follow and understand what they are saying and then work hard to keep as much
eye contact as you can. If in doubt, don’t. In a tense conversation, the message
that you are listening is more important than following every last detail. - Role-Play: This is a mental trick that might work for some. If you’ve ever had any
interest in acting, use that talent to set aside your role as an advocate for your
position and assume the role of a person who has just walked in the door and is
new to the discussion. You don’t have a position yet but you are interested in
learning what’s going on. When I mediate, I mentally put on a referee’s hat. I
constantly remind myself that my role requires me to remain neutral and not to
personally be swayed to either side.
Tips to help you be an effective listener
While these tips can help keep you focused on listening, it is important do so effectively.
Bolton says, “A teenager put it this way: “My friends listen to what I say, but my parents
only hear me talk.” Here are some techniques you can use to make sure you are truly
listening (see also Bolton “People Skills” and Katz & Lawyer “Communication and Conflict
Resolution Skills"):
- Assume an attentive posture using body language and eye contact. Remember that
most of our communication is non-verbal. - Elicit discussion using “mm-hmm”, “yes”, “really?”, “I see”, etc. Be sure you’re not
using this to conceal “tuning out”, stay focused! - Paraphrase and summarize what you heard at appropriate points. Do not twist their
words to suit your argument! Sincerely reflect what you understand them to be
saying, even if it is contrary to what you believe (which is quite likely). This is very
powerful if done sincerely. - Reflect the content and the feelings (i.e. “You expected the report to be delivered
last week and this is frustrating for you.”).
In summary, listening is your most powerful tool. During tense conversations, strive to
listen first and listen attentively.
| “The quality of your friendships, the cohesiveness of your family relationships, your effectiveness at work – these hinge, in large measure, on your ability to listen” - Robert Bolten, PhD in his book “People Skills” |
| Exercise (1) Think of a recent conflict discussion. Were you were a good listener? Would the other say you were a good listener? Do you think the conversation would have been more productive if you had done more listening? (2) Determine that in the next conversation you have that you notice has become tense that you will immediately focus on your listening skills. Think afterwards about how well you did. |
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| Richard Trimble, PE WMA Certified Mediator IAF Certified Facilitator Seattle, Washington 206-403-8202 |