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| Conflict Tool #1: Take a Break to relax, reflect and organize your thinking |
The moment you come to the realization that the conversation has become tense, I highly
recommend you consider the advantages of immediately taking a short break. This gives
you (both) the opportunity to calm down so you can think and communicate more clearly,
to reflect on your hot buttons and negative conflict behaviors and simply to organize your
thinking and statements on the issue. Let me emphasize the words “immediately” and
“short”.
Immediately: When you decide a break is in order, don't hesitate and don't get drawn into
just a few comments. Say you are preoccupied about another subject and need to deal
with it first for a few moments. Say you need to make a quick phone call. Say you need to
go to the rest room. It's a novel idea, but you can even tell the truth and say you want to
sort out your thinking before discussing it further.
Short: For this tool to work, you must commit to promptly returning to the conversation;
probably within the hour but almost certainly that same day, or the next morning at the
absolute latest. When you take your break, agree upon a time to return to the discussion
and DO NOT fail to keep that commitment. If you use your break to defer or avoid the
conflict, it will backfire!
Higher Pulse Rate
My initial inspiration for the idea that a “break” is so critical in effective negotiation and
conflict resolution comes from the work of Drs. John and Julie Gottman who have
researched the interaction of married couples for decades. In their couples workshop, the
Gottman's emphasize how the physiological state of one’s body affects the interaction, the
inability to listen and to solve problems, and in particular, the reliance on fight or flight
routines. Just like a deer does not react effectively to headlights. They recommend a
“withdrawal ritual”, which is at least 20 minutes long, does not involve rehearsing “distress
maintaining” thoughts (I.e. “I’m not going to stand for this!”), must be truly relaxing (like a
walk around the block) and sets a definite time to continue.
Whether you are in conflict with your spouse at home or your business partner at work, an
elevated heart rate means you are going to negotiate poorly. If you notice your heart rate
is higher than normal, if you feel tense, sitting on the edge of your chair, ready to pounce
or bolt; take a break and do something that helps you to relax, then return to the
discussion when you are calmer.
Along these lines, it may be that you are feeling calm but you notice the other person is
agitated. You can make some excuse to take a break so that they have some time to calm
down (I do not recommend you say, “Hey, let's take a break so you can calm down” as
that is likely to have the opposite effect you desire). The Gottman's also point out that
simply listening to the other (my Tool #3) will often have a soothing effect on them.
What about expressing your feelings? Isn't it important that the other knows what you are
feeling? Absolutely! In conflict we may experience a number of strong negative emotions
such as frustration, fear, anger, disgust, shock, loneliness, abandonment, uncertainty,
etc, etc. and yes, it is important for the other to understand the impact this issue is having
on you (just as it is important for you to understand the impact it is having on them).
However, it is simply less effective to blast them with anger in the heat of the moment than
it is to wait just a bit so you can express that anger calmly and rationally. After all, which
approach would you be more receptive to?
Reflect on your own interests, hot buttons and behaviors
A break can be important to make sure you’ve reflected on what is behind your position.
My Tool #4 emphasizes the importance of understanding where the other person is
coming from. Now is the time to make sure you know where YOU are coming from. Why is
your position so important to you? Is it pushing any of your hot buttons? Why? Are there
negative behaviors you tend to exhibit in conflict that you’ll need to watch out for here?
Organize your thinking
It may be that you find yourself in conflict but you are perfectly calm. Keep monitoring
yourself and proceed. But also feel free to call a break if you just want to think carefully
about the issues and your response.
recommend you consider the advantages of immediately taking a short break. This gives
you (both) the opportunity to calm down so you can think and communicate more clearly,
to reflect on your hot buttons and negative conflict behaviors and simply to organize your
thinking and statements on the issue. Let me emphasize the words “immediately” and
“short”.
Immediately: When you decide a break is in order, don't hesitate and don't get drawn into
just a few comments. Say you are preoccupied about another subject and need to deal
with it first for a few moments. Say you need to make a quick phone call. Say you need to
go to the rest room. It's a novel idea, but you can even tell the truth and say you want to
sort out your thinking before discussing it further.
Short: For this tool to work, you must commit to promptly returning to the conversation;
probably within the hour but almost certainly that same day, or the next morning at the
absolute latest. When you take your break, agree upon a time to return to the discussion
and DO NOT fail to keep that commitment. If you use your break to defer or avoid the
conflict, it will backfire!
Higher Pulse Rate
My initial inspiration for the idea that a “break” is so critical in effective negotiation and
conflict resolution comes from the work of Drs. John and Julie Gottman who have
researched the interaction of married couples for decades. In their couples workshop, the
Gottman's emphasize how the physiological state of one’s body affects the interaction, the
inability to listen and to solve problems, and in particular, the reliance on fight or flight
routines. Just like a deer does not react effectively to headlights. They recommend a
“withdrawal ritual”, which is at least 20 minutes long, does not involve rehearsing “distress
maintaining” thoughts (I.e. “I’m not going to stand for this!”), must be truly relaxing (like a
walk around the block) and sets a definite time to continue.
Whether you are in conflict with your spouse at home or your business partner at work, an
elevated heart rate means you are going to negotiate poorly. If you notice your heart rate
is higher than normal, if you feel tense, sitting on the edge of your chair, ready to pounce
or bolt; take a break and do something that helps you to relax, then return to the
discussion when you are calmer.
Along these lines, it may be that you are feeling calm but you notice the other person is
agitated. You can make some excuse to take a break so that they have some time to calm
down (I do not recommend you say, “Hey, let's take a break so you can calm down” as
that is likely to have the opposite effect you desire). The Gottman's also point out that
simply listening to the other (my Tool #3) will often have a soothing effect on them.
What about expressing your feelings? Isn't it important that the other knows what you are
feeling? Absolutely! In conflict we may experience a number of strong negative emotions
such as frustration, fear, anger, disgust, shock, loneliness, abandonment, uncertainty,
etc, etc. and yes, it is important for the other to understand the impact this issue is having
on you (just as it is important for you to understand the impact it is having on them).
However, it is simply less effective to blast them with anger in the heat of the moment than
it is to wait just a bit so you can express that anger calmly and rationally. After all, which
approach would you be more receptive to?
Reflect on your own interests, hot buttons and behaviors
A break can be important to make sure you’ve reflected on what is behind your position.
My Tool #4 emphasizes the importance of understanding where the other person is
coming from. Now is the time to make sure you know where YOU are coming from. Why is
your position so important to you? Is it pushing any of your hot buttons? Why? Are there
negative behaviors you tend to exhibit in conflict that you’ll need to watch out for here?
Organize your thinking
It may be that you find yourself in conflict but you are perfectly calm. Keep monitoring
yourself and proceed. But also feel free to call a break if you just want to think carefully
about the issues and your response.
| “…the physiological state of one’s body [affects] marital interaction, the ability to listen, lack of access to recently learned behavior and ways of thinking, the reliance on over- learned behavior patterns and ways of thinking, and the inability to creatively solve problems, and, in particular, the reliance on fight or flight routines.”” - John and Julie Gottman, PhD in their workshop handbook |
| Exercise Consider a recent conflict in your life. Would a break at a critical point have been helpful for you (or the other person) to calm down, reflect on your conflict behaviors or to organize your thinking? Might it have improved the outcome of your conflict? |
| Workplace Collaboration |
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| Richard Trimble, PE WMA Certified Mediator IAF Certified Facilitator Seattle, Washington 206-403-8202 |